I whip out my Blackberry and record all of the hilarious, non-sensical, dirty and embarassing things Jake says, then I either post them as my Facebook status, text them to Ralph, or hold on to them for an upcoming blog post. Without further ado, here is the most recent volume of "Jake-isms" as recorded over the past several months.
• Hearing the sound of a lawn-mowing crew outside: "Mommy! I hear the mowers mower-ing!"
• Jake, spontaneously naked as usual: "Look, I've got a hole in my butt!" Sends his index finger around to investigate. "Ouch!"
Me, amazed that I even have to say these words: "Okay, no more sticking fingers into the hole in your butt."
• Jake asks me to tear off the foil top of his drink box so he can use it without the straw. I tear it off, with some difficulty, and hand it back to him. He looks at it and then says to me dryly: "That's the best you could do?" I nearly peed myself, and looked around, hoping someone else heard.
• Jake is absent-mindedly fiddling with his privates. I ask him: "Honey, what are you doing to your penis?" His answer: "I'm working on it."
• In the car driving, cd player blasting the tunes, Jake is playing air guitar and I'm singing along. Jake: "Mommy, let these guys sing."
• Jake sees a picture of a visibly pregnant woman. I explain how her baby is bigger than mine. In a hilarious/accusatory tone he says, "Where's YOUR Big Baby??!!"
• Jake and I are racing at the park. I let him win. He proclaims: "I'm the winner. You're the lost-er."
• Quietly to myself about a pedestrian about to cross into three lanes of traffic that have just been given a green light: "This guy has a death wish." Jake, from the back seat with incredible hearing powers: "That man has a dead fish?!"
• Me, pointing to something on Jake's chest: "Honey, what is that?" Jake, not paying much attention: "My testicles."
• The day before our first ultrasound, I sit down with Jake and explain to him that we are going to find out how many babies are in my belly (I had been convinced it was twins). Jake gestures to two of my fat rolls. "One baby here," he says pointing to the roll above my belly button, "and one baby there," he says pointing to the one below. I can't help but go into fits of laughter.
• Jake and two other boys have their imaginary babies on the swings at the park. One boy says to his baby: "You're a good baby, but you do bad things!" I was the only mom in the park dying of laughter.
The fact that no one else is around to hear these things causes me to record them instantly. My son is a funnier comedian (to me at least) than most of the guys who get paid to tell jokes. Hope you found these to be entertaining.
Until next time...
